House Schooled

I had a pile of the Mindless Cutting Tasks that come with being a teacher, and as is my habit, I turned on the TV for distraction. House was on. I watched this show when it first came on a few years ago, then I stopped because every episode was so much the same. It still really annoys me, I found out. Like, they really tolerate this assholery day in, day out? I started to imagine the elementary education version of the show. I am the star, and i am just impossible. However, my genius in the education of children, and solving complex educational problems through out-of-the-box thinking, is unparalleled at my school. Almost every day, or at least on Tuesdays, I get sulky when something doesn't go my way, and I take off, just when a third grader most desperately needs my expertise. My colleagues bumble around ineffectively, trying out different, ill-conceived instructional techniques and losing valuable time. Finally, a male colleague is sent to my house to beg me to come back to work. I make some sexually degrading comments towards him, and he rolls his eyes a bit, but he just refuses to give up on me. He knows that deep down inside, my heart is crying out in pain. They all know it. Finally, I agree to go back, but I twist it to make it seem like it's all on my terms. I sit down with the suffering student, say the rudest things I can think of to make him or her feel like shit, and then a random, over-heard snippet sparks an idea. Just like that, the solution comes to me in a flash of certainty. I know now how to solve this educational problem, and I do so, swiftly and skillfully, in the harrowing last ten minutes of the school day. The student tries to thank me, but I just gnash my teeth and criticize his or her body.

Wouldn't that be an awesome show? I'm going to start thinking about who should play my male colleague, the one who refuses to give up on my frozen heart.